Self-portrait, November 2011.
Who in my life might be placed there to free me from myself? And what role do you have for me to play in the lives of others? (in reference to God's having used Moses to free Israel from slavery)
I believe that God places people in our lives for a purpose; I also believe that we find the people we need to teach us things about ourselves. Ultimately, I have come to believe that the people in our lives serve as mirrors - whatever we see in them is often true of ourselves; whatever we think they are thinking about us is usually a reflection of the way we feel about ourselves. I have come to realize that if I am focused on my own life, on my own creativity and God-given gifts and purpose, that others are less able to affect me or bring me down. As for who might be placed in my life to free me from myself - I have come to depend on very few people, realizing that I know best what I need in order to manage my life. But on a couple of different levels - from the practical: an accountant and a lawyer to help me sort out my estate planning - to the personal: colleagues with whom I disagree on some matters, and by whom I don't feel understood, which forces me to go to a higher level of patience - yes, there have been (and are) many people and situations in my life who have helped free me from myself - often somewhat reluctantly. I'm thinking about my most recent synagogue job that ended - via e-mail, the day before Passover last year. Aggravating and disappointing, to be sure - but on another level, I remember thinking (and even saying out loud), "Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last." And indeed - this was the catalyst that brought about my move back to the island and my return to the Church. And a relationship that was important to me - a very unhealthy relationship in which I acted out my neediest self - that when ended, freed me from ever needing to be in a relationship ever again, allowing me to be my most independent and creative self. I could go on...
As for my role in bringing freedom to others: specifically, at the moment, I'm in the process of ensuring that my family has the most number of options available to them in the future. As a mother, I have had to give my children a lot of freedom from me - at times more than I'm comfortable with and not knowing if I would ever see them again - also, as an involved and present grandmother, I have to weigh, on a daily basis, when to keep my mouth shut and when to interfere, as well as constantly deciding how much freedom to give three active toddlers. As the caretaker (for the past 23 years)of an adult woman with disabilities, I am responsible for giving her both freedom and support - a delicate balancing act on most days.
Dear God, please free me from everything that keeps me from being the fullest expression of all you made me to be, as well as whatever keeps me from you, including fear, criticism of self and others, negative thinking, envy, and anxiety.
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