March 13 - Lent, Day 29 - Rules and Rebellion

Artwork in an Edgartown gallery window, June 2012.

"For the Lord will again take delight in prospering you, as he took delight in your fathers, if you obey the voice of the Lord your God, to keep his commandments and his statues which are written in this book of the law, if you turn to the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul." Deuteronomy 30:9-10

How do I view God's rules? With loving obedience or as roadblocks to freedom?

I love God's rules, and would be lost without them, as would the whole world, I believe. Am I always obedient? No. Does God even expect that we will always be obedient? No, but that's why God gave us the sacrament called Reconciliation. I believe that God's rules lead to freedom, which is a bit counter-intuitive, I suppose. Certainly, as children we thought that our parents' rules curtailed our freedom, but then as we grew up, (most of us, anyway) we realized that our parents' rules were for our own good and were given out of their love for us.

We live in a world that isn't much into following rules these days, it seems. Just drive down the highway at the speed limit and watch how many cars whiz past you, on all sides. Watch as people step out, willy-nilly, into traffic, bringing cars to a screeching halt so they can cross any old time in anyplace they desire, without even looking (my generation was taught to cross only at a cross-walk, or if no cross-walk, at a corner, and to look both ways and only cross if no cars were coming). Read any on-line forum to see people's rudeness towards each other and hatred and disrespect of authority. Walk down any street where there are people and listen to the filthy language that pours out of people's mouths. Turn on any of today's prime-time sit-coms and listen to sexual innuendo in almost every sentence. I see a world that has largely rejected authority figures and rules, especially the authority of the Church - where God's rules are taught - as well as organized religion, for the most part (replaced with silliness), which makes me want to hold on even more tightly to God's rules.

Dear God, help me to follow and to love your rules.

March 9 - Lent, Day 25 - True Liberation

What does true liberation mean to me? Am I willing to allow God to exercise "tough love" in order to accomplish this in my life?

Not to sound glib, or trite - and this probably is not quite in the context of today's reflection, where Dr. Hahn writes about the Israelites' wanderings in the wilderness, and their murmurings and complaints, and how God our Father heard their cries and provided for their every need - but I would feel truly liberated if I could get into an airplane and fly to New Mexico to visit my daughter, or fly to Ireland and spend the summer playing in pubs and photographing Ireland's landscape and people.

So, what about tough love? I certainly don't have everything I want in life - I can think of a few big things I missed out on (Hey, how about throwing a daddy my way, Lord? What am I, chopped liver?) - but I can honestly (almost always) see how so much of not having everything I thought I wanted has helped to strengthen me and shape me into a better person. And thank God I didn't get some of the things (and people) I thought I wanted along the way.

Dear God, help me to be more patient, to not react too quickly if things aren't going the way I expect; help me to let go of the reins a little and realize that you are in control and only want what's best for me; help me to complain less, and to realize that every moment is perfect, even if it doesn't appear to be so at the time.

March 7 - Lent, Day 23 - God's Plan for Moses

Self-portrait, November 2011.

Who in my life might be placed there to free me from myself? And what role do you have for me to play in the lives of others? (in reference to God's having used Moses to free Israel from slavery)

I believe that God places people in our lives for a purpose; I also believe that we find the people we need to teach us things about ourselves. Ultimately, I have come to believe that the people in our lives serve as mirrors - whatever we see in them is often true of ourselves; whatever we think they are thinking about us is usually a reflection of the way we feel about ourselves. I have come to realize that if I am focused on my own life, on my own creativity and God-given gifts and purpose, that others are less able to affect me or bring me down. As for who might be placed in my life to free me from myself - I have come to depend on very few people, realizing that I know best what I need in order to manage my life. But on a couple of different levels - from the practical: an accountant and a lawyer to help me sort out my estate planning - to the personal: colleagues with whom I disagree on some matters, and by whom I don't feel understood, which forces me to go to a higher level of patience - yes, there have been (and are) many people and situations in my life who have helped free me from myself - often somewhat reluctantly. I'm thinking about my most recent synagogue job that ended - via e-mail, the day before Passover last year. Aggravating and disappointing, to be sure - but on another level, I remember thinking (and even saying out loud), "Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last." And indeed - this was the catalyst that brought about my move back to the island and my return to the Church. And a relationship that was important to me - a very unhealthy relationship in which I acted out my neediest self - that when ended, freed me from ever needing to be in a relationship ever again, allowing me to be my most independent and creative self. I could go on...

As for my role in bringing freedom to others: specifically, at the moment, I'm in the process of ensuring that my family has the most number of options available to them in the future. As a mother, I have had to give my children a lot of freedom from me - at times more than I'm comfortable with and not knowing if I would ever see them again - also, as an involved and present grandmother, I have to weigh, on a daily basis, when to keep my mouth shut and when to interfere, as well as constantly deciding how much freedom to give three active toddlers. As the caretaker (for the past 23 years)of an adult woman with disabilities, I am responsible for giving her both freedom and support - a delicate balancing act on most days.

Dear God, please free me from everything that keeps me from being the fullest expression of all you made me to be, as well as whatever keeps me from you, including fear, criticism of self and others, negative thinking, envy, and anxiety.