It is now day 39 of Lent, and on one level, I have failed to do what I set out to do: to keep a daily Lenten journal. It is not for the lack of desire, certainly, but more due to the fact that there are only certain days of my week that lend themselves to writing. Last week I was in a good writing groove and was very excited to have caught up a bit in Dr. Hahn's daily lenten readings, and to be writing and posting, and then I was away for the weekend, and my duties and responsibilities - partly the daily stuff, partly catching up from having been away - have precluded my being able to focus on this project even though I have had many thoughts and ideas swirling around and fairly begging to be recorded. But I find, if I don't catch the wave of thought as it comes through, it's pretty much gone.
On another level, I have failed at nothing - unless I choose to self-flagellate for not keeping up with a self-imposed regimen, which I could easily do, but even though I haven't kept up with my intention to follow the daily readings and diligently report my thoughts and impressions (seriously, after being in school for eight of the past twelve years - earning a b/a and a certificate of cantorial arts - I think I've proved myself in this regard, thank you), this has been a great Lent. If one may use such a term to describe this, the most serious and penitential period of the liturgical calendar. And by great, I mean that I feel as though I have immersed myself in the season and have availed myself of all tools available - Confession (a great gift - I should go more often), attending Mass, almost daily (but I do that anyway); reading, writing (and yes, Dr. Hahn's writings and questions have caused me to do much thinking; even if I haven't had time to write all of my impressions, my awareness has been greatly increased by his book), abstaining from eating meat on Fridays (even forgetting a couple of times increased my self-awareness), preparing music for the Mass; overall, being more aware than usual of Christ's presence in my life. This is all good. I guess you get out of Lent what you put in, and I believe I have put in plenty. Even being aware of my so-called failures has enhanced these weeks of Lent.
So, now to Dr. Hahn's question for today (as pertains to the suffering and the exile of the Jews and how it brought them closer to God): What areas of suffering can transform me into a living sacrifice?
Someone recently posted a quote from then-Cardinal Bergoglio - now, Pope Francis: "Rend your hearts, so that through that crack we can really look at ourselves. Rend your hearts, open your hearts, because only in a broken and open heart can the merciful love of God enter, who loves and heals us." - Jorge Mario Cardinal Bergoglio, in his Lenten letter to his archdiocese. To which I commented: "I was born with a broken heart, which led me to search for healing, which led me to God. I thank God for my broken heart."
Rabbi Bill Hamilton, one of my first teachers in Brookline, once told me something along the lines of, The problem with Jewish faith today is, now that the we have achieved success, we don't really need God any more.
So, globally, yes - I thank God for my broken heart.
What about today? What are the areas of suffering in my life? Okay, giving up meat on Fridays has been transformational (as was keeping kosher - meatless Friday's first cousin). Being a mother and watching my children suffering is a big area of suffering, some days. Missing my husband comes to mind. On an intellectual level, I understand the role of suffering in the journey to holiness - but on another level, I pray daily to be spared any real suffering, such as the loss of a child or grandchild (God forbid!). Oh, and though it can't be equated to real suffering, having given up beer has been huge. Not such a big problem, but yes - especially in the evening - I'm aware that something is different, that I'm doing something that draws me closer to God (and anyone who says, "Giving up something for Lent won't make me a better person" ought to try it, and then report back).
Okay, got it. I am in excruciating agony over the state of my present family and the brokenness that exists among my three my children. I will offer this up and join it to Christ's suffering, and especially to his mother, Mary's, and trust in the redemptive power of the cross.
Dear Lord, please grant me the strength and courage to enter this final week before Easter - the holiest of our weeks - and partake fully of your Passion and Resurrection. Thank you for doing the heavy lifting here, for giving of yourself in a way that none of us could ever do, willingly, so that we don't have to; thank you for dying so that we might live. Help me to die to the things that keep me from being fully alive and living a holy life. PS - please heal my family.
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