March 8 - Lent, Day 24 - An Unlikely Hero

That's me, painting the living room of the Main Street house, one of four rooms I had to complete within a six-week period in the spring of 2012 in preparation for moving my furniture and belongings from Brookline.

Has there been a time when I wished God would pick someone other than me to do some act of service? How does this relate to my journey through Lent? (In relation to God's having chosen Moses to go to Pharoah to ask him to free the Hebrews, and Moses responds, No way, Jose.)

My mother has been gone twenty-one years; my brother, thirteen years; my husband, eight years. Many times I have wondered why it is that I have been left to manage every detail of my family - past, present, and future - by myself. Everything, from parenting and (now) grandparenting to maintaining two houses, including a 200 year-old house (my childhood home), as well as my children's childhood home. And when I say maintain, I mean with my own hands: painting, repairing, furnishing, cleaning, yard work, rental turn-overs - the whole ball of wax; I do everything except climb on the roof, tear down chimneys, and repair furnaces. "Why, oh why," I have asked many times over the years, "has everyone gone and abandoned me and left me to take care of everything by myself? Why am I the only one who is not dead? Why am I the one who is left with the responsibility of figuring everything out on my own? Help!"

It's not that I don't want the job (okay, occasionally I feel overwhelmed and wish I could bail out, but not too often) - and luckily, I know how to do lots of things with my hands - I just can't figure out, from an existential point of view, why everything has been left for me to do; why am I even alive when everyone else in my family is dead?

As my children become more settled in their lives, I do foresee a time when more responsibilities will be delegated to them - it's hard to believe, but there may come a time when I'll unable to climb up on scaffolding to clean and repair gutters, ha ha - but for now, it's me, and there's stuff to get done, so I do it. And truth be told, I consider it a joy and an honor to be caring, lovingly, for my grandparents' old home, as well as for the house in which I raised my children, the house of many happy memories in which one of my children was even born.

God, please grant me the strength, courage, and wisdom, to do all that I have been asked to do.

March 7 - Lent, Day 23 - God's Plan for Moses

Self-portrait, November 2011.

Who in my life might be placed there to free me from myself? And what role do you have for me to play in the lives of others? (in reference to God's having used Moses to free Israel from slavery)

I believe that God places people in our lives for a purpose; I also believe that we find the people we need to teach us things about ourselves. Ultimately, I have come to believe that the people in our lives serve as mirrors - whatever we see in them is often true of ourselves; whatever we think they are thinking about us is usually a reflection of the way we feel about ourselves. I have come to realize that if I am focused on my own life, on my own creativity and God-given gifts and purpose, that others are less able to affect me or bring me down. As for who might be placed in my life to free me from myself - I have come to depend on very few people, realizing that I know best what I need in order to manage my life. But on a couple of different levels - from the practical: an accountant and a lawyer to help me sort out my estate planning - to the personal: colleagues with whom I disagree on some matters, and by whom I don't feel understood, which forces me to go to a higher level of patience - yes, there have been (and are) many people and situations in my life who have helped free me from myself - often somewhat reluctantly. I'm thinking about my most recent synagogue job that ended - via e-mail, the day before Passover last year. Aggravating and disappointing, to be sure - but on another level, I remember thinking (and even saying out loud), "Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last." And indeed - this was the catalyst that brought about my move back to the island and my return to the Church. And a relationship that was important to me - a very unhealthy relationship in which I acted out my neediest self - that when ended, freed me from ever needing to be in a relationship ever again, allowing me to be my most independent and creative self. I could go on...

As for my role in bringing freedom to others: specifically, at the moment, I'm in the process of ensuring that my family has the most number of options available to them in the future. As a mother, I have had to give my children a lot of freedom from me - at times more than I'm comfortable with and not knowing if I would ever see them again - also, as an involved and present grandmother, I have to weigh, on a daily basis, when to keep my mouth shut and when to interfere, as well as constantly deciding how much freedom to give three active toddlers. As the caretaker (for the past 23 years)of an adult woman with disabilities, I am responsible for giving her both freedom and support - a delicate balancing act on most days.

Dear God, please free me from everything that keeps me from being the fullest expression of all you made me to be, as well as whatever keeps me from you, including fear, criticism of self and others, negative thinking, envy, and anxiety.

Living Streams

Twice this week I've dreamed that there were huge pools of water in my yard - one in the back yard, old and stagnant, covered over with sheets of plywood; the second pool, in this morning's dream, was in the front yard, a huge sink hole next to the water spigot, bubbling and alive.

Today's dream has evoked a slurry of words and images, all swirling around in my morning brain - the place where my nighttime, dreaming mind interfaces with my daytime, becoming-conscious mind - add morning Mass/hymns/songs/Communion to the mix; all of the above fostering the knowledge that God is very near and that all is well...

Water of Life
River of Life
The Woman at the Well
Miriam's Well
Spring Up, Oh Well
Moses and the Rock
Holy Water
Source of Life
Living Stream
Overflowing
Abundance
Baptismal Waters
River of God
Streams bubble, bubble up
Fill my home. My Life.
Wash me clean.

...as well as a couple of songs, including this one - learned many years ago and played and sung at many a bible study:

I've got a river of life flowing out of me,
Makes the lame to walk and the blind to see,
Opens prison doors, sets the captives free,
I've got a river of life flowing out of me.

Spring up, oh well, into my soul!
Spring up, oh well, and make me whole!
Spring up, oh well, and give to me,
That life, abundantly!

And this Tim Manion song (based on Psalm 46), which I had the pleasure and honor of singing at my first-born grandchild, River's (yes - great name, right?), naming ceremony in May, 2010:

There is a river, a great flowing river
And it makes glad the City of God.
Broad are its waters, and deep are its voices,
Its songs are of peace in the house of the Lord

What shall we fear, though nations may tremble
and darkness may rise to trouble the sun.
The kingdom is near, the remnants assemble,
and lift up their eyes to a day just begun.